Pain everyone feels it
by FlyingteletubbieManatees
Summary: James is going through a hard time in his life and just can't deal. His friends try to help, but will it be useless? Story deleted and reposted all intact as a one-shot. SORRY ABOUT THAT! Blame the brain!


**Authors note: PLEASE READ BEFORE STORY! Okay well umm I deleted the other story like this because it was supposed to be a one-shot, but my brain used stupid logic against its self and got me to publish this before it was finished. I hate my brain, but anyways I just finished it and am now reposting it all intact so now you can read it. Sorry for all the confusedness. I hope you don't get mad at me. Hee hee. :)**

'I'm sick of feeling it. I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of living it I want it to end. Don't tell me to change don't tell me to leave. Is it really worth it. Should we really end it tonight? Should we really end it tonight? The pain, suffering, and torment. Do I want it to end this way, no. Do I want to leave, no. Do I find it to be the easiest way, yes. Do you care, no. Come and join me the misery will end, come and join me. Let's go and show them what they made us do. We will go out with one word and one word only. Pain. Etched into our mind our body and heart. Pain is the word we lived every day. Pain is the words you threw at us. Pain is the punches you hit us with. Pain is all we ever knew. Pain is the word that made us do it. Pain what you never felt when we finally left."

It was a poem James wrote before he did it. Did what you may ask. Suicide. What, James Diamond the oh so ever confident one? But why? Well let me tell you a little story. A story of terrible, terrible things. You see it all started a few weeks ago…..

_***Flash back***_

_The dogs were doing rehearsal as usual Gustavo yelling at them with a sorrowful looking Kelly. She felt sorry for the boys and always gave them an apologetic look every time Gustavo yelled at them. Once he was done he told them to go home and get some rest because he wanted them to be back at studio early tomorrow. The guys got into the limo and rode back to the Palm Woods laughing and having a good time except for one of the guys specifically James. he was looking out the window with a troubles expression on his face. _

_"Hey James you okay, man?" Kendall asked noticing that James wasn't participating in their conversation first. Once Kendall mentioned it the other noticed it too. _

_"Hmm?" James looked up at his friends. "Sorry what did you say?" _

_"Are you okay?" Carlos repeated Kendall's earlier question._

_"Oh yeah, I was just thinking." James responded in a distracted voice. _

_You might not notice on the outside but James was having a world war three going on in his head. Every time he wanted to tell his friends, something in his head would tell him no and the voices would argue for hours on end. _

_"Haha well you wanna tell us what it is because you look a bit distracted. Maybe getting it off your chest will help." Logan suggested knowing every time he was thinking about something important it always made him feel better telling someone. _

_"I will tell you in the apartment." James told his friends as they pulled up to the Palm Woods. _

_Once they got into the apartment, Got food and drinks and settled on the couch everyone turned their attention to James. He was hoping they would have forgotten by now but apparently not. _

"_So James what were you thinking about?" Kendall asked looking a little more than impatient at his tall friend. _

_"Umm…Well you see…" James started but couldn't finish. "I can't tell you guys you'll hate me." He looked down ashamed. _

_Kendall put his plate down and strode over to where james was sitting. He gentle grabbed James plate and set it down also then grabbed James chin and lightly pulled it up so James was looking at Kendall._

"_James I want you to repeat after me "We could and never will hate you even if you did something horrible we would still love you just the same. Never think we could hate you for anything, you got that?" Kendall's voice was strong, and deep. "Now repeat it."_

_"You could and never would hate me even if I did something horrible you would still love me the same. Never think you could hate me for anything." James quickly repeated voice an octave higher than normal. _

_"Good." Kendall grabbed his plate took a huge bite out of his sandwich and looked at James with wide expecting eyes as he chewed. _

_James gulped look down at his lap and blurted out quickly. "What would think of me if I was gay?"_

_Logan and Carlos gasped and Kendall started choking on his sandwich. James took that as a bad sign and ran to his room crying. His friends didn't hate him truly they didn't they were just surprised. They didn't expect him to say that. Once they got over their initial shock they ran to James room. _

_Logan rapped on the door two times and said quietly. "James it me Logan along with Carlos and Kendall, can we come in?"_

_They heard a sniff from the other side and then a faint "I guess so." Logan slowly opened the door and walked in. They saw James curled up on his bed with his face buried into the pillow. Logan sat beside James and carefully put his arm on James shoulder. _

_"James you know we don't hate you right?" Logan asked. James nodded his head and then got up and put his head on Logan's shoulder. _

_"So if you know we don't hate you why'd you run away?" Carlos asked clearly puzzled. _

_"I got scared and thought your gasps and Kendall's choking was a bad sign." James admitted as started crying again. "I was afraid you guys might think it was a little weird to be in the same room." _

_"James this may take some time to get used to but we will support you 100% on your decision, and I'm glad you decided to come out of the closet and tell us because that was really brave of you even if we kinda made you. You should be proud that you did because I know a lot of people who would be too scared. Oh and James one last thing if anybody and I mean anybody gives you crap came talk to me okay?" Kendall finally finished his unneeded pep talk. _

_"yeah okay Kendall, and guys please don't mention this to anyone else okay?" James asked as he looked at all of his friends. _

_"Sure thing James we promise." Logan told him. _

_"Okay thanks. I'm gonna get some sleep rehearsal was tiring." James added with a yawn. _

_"Okay buddy sleep good." Carlos told him as they all walked out of the room. James did sleep well he was glad he got that off his chest and now world war three was officially over little did James know that world war four was about to begin very soon too soon if you asked him. _

_**BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR BTR**_

_James awoke the next morning to light hitting his face. James was deep sleep except when it came to light. He could never sleep unless it was dark. So he decided to get out of bed knowing he couldn't catch anymore sleep even if he tried he took a shower. Got dressed, and did his hair to his liking. He emerged from his room with a big smile. Today was going to be a good day he could feel it. He met Carlos, Kendall, and Logan at the table eating breakfast._

_"Hey what's up guys?" James said as he sat down and poured some cereal into a bowl. _

_"Morning James." Was Carlos' response. "Not much." Was Kendall's and Logan's was. "Hey James not much just chillin." James couldn't help but laugh at the responses. Once everyone finished their breakfast they migrated to the couch and turned on hockey. The hockey game that they were watching was on one of the news channels and once the game ended the news came on. _

_No one was really paying attention to it until they heard the words "Big Time Rush." That got everybody's attention so fast that when they wiped their heads around some of them probably got whip-lash. The new cast was talking about the boys love relationships. _

_"That Kendall and Jo could go on for a while and they are such cute couple don't you agree Ashley?" The male news caster "Nathan" asked his partner. _

_"That's right Nathan but another cute couple soon to become is that Logan and Camille. They swear they broke up but we see all the signals they keep sending each other." Ashley commented. _

_"It's not that obvious is it?" Logan asked as he cheeks turned a light pink. All the boys nodded with an "uh-huh" coming out of their mouth. Logan's face got redder at that and turned back to the TV. The news caster was still going on._

_"Did you see Carlos hitting it off with that Stephanie girl. I wonder if they will last don't you agree Nathan?" Ashley asked. _

_"I'm totally with you on that one Ashley, but the big question that everybody has been asking is what's with James Diamonds love life. We see all his friends with either girlfriends or dates, but we haven't see James with a girl in a while. Now there are either three reasons for this what are these reason do you think Ashley?" Nathan asked looking at his co-worker. _

_"Well Nathan either James is very sneaky and knows how to hide a girl." Ashley said with a wink. "He could also be waiting for the right person, or and a lot of people are starting to think this. James Diamond is GAY." _

_"That's right folks people think the reason James isn't with a girl like his friends is because he's gay. What do you think go to .org and vote in our poll and tell us what you think." With that last announcement some finally turned the TV off. _

_James immediately broke into tears and curled up into a tight ball on the couch. "Kendall! Kendall someone was giving me crap go kick his butt for me!" James yelled being completely serious. "Do it on live TV just to show what a jerk that guy is." _

_Kendall was sitting on the sofa with a red face and fists clenched he was seriously tempted to go and give that guy a piece of his mind but decided against it knowing he needed to be there for James. Logan and Carlos were rubbing James back trying to sooth the distressed teen. Logan was afraid for James heath and Carlos hated seeing his friends cry. _

_Hadn't James been through enough already? His parents had abused him until he was sixteen, but then he caught this amazing break to go to L.A and he did. Then he learned that his little brother was put up for adoption and his parents were sent to jail. A few months later his parents broke out of Jail and came to "visit" James in L.A. This stupid little stunt caused even more pain for James. Now this was happening, can't James just catch a break once in a while? _

_Once they got James calmed down enough He was able to drink a glass of water for his parched and abused throat. Crying really does a number on your throat especially when you're crying as hard as James was. The guys sat in silence until it was time to go to rehearsal. As they walked out of the Palm Woods a lot people stared at them, and as they drove to the studio they were ambushed by paparazzi. Once they were safely inside Rocque Records Gustavo started yelling. _

_"JAMES WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS NONSENSE ABOUT YOU BEING GAY?"_

_"Um well sir…" James started._

_"FIX IT, FIND A GIRL AND DATE HER!" Gustavo roared. _

_"But um sir what if I really was gay?" James asked timidly. _

_"WHAT!" Gustavo yelled as he advanced on James. _

_"I..er…Um…I'm gay and don't want to date a girl." James tried to stand up for himself. _

_"YOU CAN'T BE GAY YOU HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT, FOR THE BANDS REPUTATION!" Gustavo shouted at the pretty boy. _

_"Whoa back off buddy!" Kendall yelled as he stepped protectively in front of James. "It's not his fault he can't help it." Kendall tried to reason. _

_Gustavo huffed and looked over at James. he knew the boy couldn't help it but he just wanted one more chance and he thought he could get it this band. _

_"Okay James come into my office and we will talk the rest of you go wait in the limo for him. Rehearsal is canceled for today." as Gustavo and James walked to his office the other boys tried to safely make it to the limo. _

_"Okay James I know you can't help being gay and I'm totally fine with you being gay. Now fans may have a different opinion. All I ask of you is to hide it from the paparazzi; all you have to do is say you are waiting for the right girl to come along. Okay and we will be good." James nodded his head and bid good bye to Gustavo. _

_Once he got out to the sea of people he answered their questions with one sentence. "I'm waiting for the right person." _

_Once James told all the reporters that he was waiting for the right person, there were even more flurries of questions. James was so floundered that he stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't tell which way the limo was, there were too many flashes of light and people everywhere. James looked around trying to find a familiar face but couldn't, he started to panic and looked more frantic. Then a hand reached out towards him from the sea of reporters. At first he thought it was a reporter wanting his attention so he pulled away but then noticed the friendship bracelet on the wrist. It was Kendall Knight, James's Kendall Knight. He looked like a knight in shining armor reaching to save his love. No James has never had a crush on any of his friends, but he could still think that way about his friend, right? James reached out to grasp the hand when he was so crudely grabbed from behind and yanked backwards. _

_"I don't believe you, prove it," A mean looking man who when by the name of Chris said as he put his arm around James's chest. _

_"I…I…I.," James stammered. By now all the reporters had gone silent and were just watching the whole thing go down. They were hoping there was going to be a fight they could report on. _

_"HEY GET YOUR HANDS OFF OUR FRIEND," Kendall yelled. He hated to see James nervous or scared, and James was showing both of those emotions right now. _

_"I will once he tells the truth," Chris growled tightening his arm on James's chest. Kendall stepped forward threateningly. _

_"I said get your filthy hands off our friend," Kendall snarled as he saw from the corner of his eye Logan and Carlos move up._

_"What are you going to do about it little boy," Chris sneered. He knew he would get his answer if his switch blade had anything to do with it. He nonchalantly slipped his hand in his back pocket and gripped it just in case. _

_"Oh you'll get to see what I'm going to do about it if you don't let him go," Kendall barked stepping forward fisting his hands. Chris knew this was his chance._

_He whipped out his switch blade and put it up to James neck. Everybody in the crowd let out an audible gasps and some girls actually screamed. James didn't make a sound, his eye's only got wider. Kendall only got angrier at this, and he was visibly shaking. _

_"Step back or I will kill the boy right now," Chris threatened digging the blade into James's neck. _

_Kendall looked like he was about to pounce on the guy so Logan quickly put a hand on his shoulder and told him to calm down if he wanted to see James alive any time soon. Kendall calmed down just enough making sure he wasn't going to kill the guy. _

_"Now, James tell me truth and I will let you go."_

_"I..Um..Well you see I'm not waiting for the right person, but the truth is…..yes I-I'm g-gay," James choked out as he fell to his knees now being let go by Chris. _

_"Aha I knew it. You seemed like the gay type the first time I set my eyes on you," Chris yelled triumphantly. _

_James's friends ran over to him and helped him up. He was now openly sobbing about the events that happened only mere seconds ago. His friends quickly led him into the limo and told the driver to drive away quickly. On their way to the Palm Woods James's friends tried to calm him down. They felt sorry for their friend knowing that that could have been a traumatic experience. By the time they reached the Palm Woods James's loud heart wrenching sobs turned into little sniffles every now and then. They quickly ran up to 2J and plopped down onto the couch everyone surrounding James. They turned on the TV to see if anything had been reported yet. News reporters were fast. _

_"So we're back to the band Big Time Rush, and let me tell you Ashley they really are some group," Nathan commented. _

_"They really are Nathan they really are, but right now the big poster we are going to talk about today is, James Diamond. We had some of our top reporters ask him questions yesterday about why he didn't have a girlfriend, and one reporter went above and beyond just to get a scoop. He got the handsome James Diamond to admit that he was in fact GAY," Ashley appraised flipping her long blond hair over her shoulder. "We have a tape showing him admitting it. Nathan lets go to the tape." _

_Nathan had seen the tape earlier and thought it was pretty funny to watch someone's __**PERFECT **__life be ripped away from them. Even if his own life was close to perfect, he still thought it pretty funny. Then suddenly a small square box popped up in the top right corner of the screen. It had a paused picture of James's face on it. Then the video started to play. You could see James being jerked back violently and then Kendall appear yelling at Chris. It was exactly what happened earlier that day except it was even more painful looking at it for the four Big Time Rush boys. At seeing this James burst into more tears._

_"N-now everyone k-knows I-I'm…gay," James whispered the last part._

_Logan stood up forcefully with a red face. It was very out of character for him, and then he just burst out "SO WHAT IF PEOPLE KNOW JAMES! Why should it bother you so much, I mean since when have we ever cared about what other people thought about us?" _

_"Yeah, James do you remember that song that we sung in third grade? You know when Logan had glasses and braces, you had acne and were kinda chubby, I had my helmet and band aids on my face, and Kendall's face was too big for his body, like his nose, ears, and eye brows? Well no actually leave out the eye brows their still too big for him," At Carlos's words James let a little giggle slip out, but it didn't sound exactly like a giggle kinda like a snot bubble cough combo thing._

_"Hey I remember that, leaving out the comment about my face." Kendall said as he looked to be trying to remember it. "Didn't it go something like this?" Kendall started to sing. _

_Then all the others started to sing as they gradually remembered. James seemed to be having genuine fun until the song ended. Once the song ended James fell onto the couch and slumped feeling even worse than before. Yes the song lifted his spirits, and yes he agreed with the song. He didn't care what other people thought of him, but he did care if it made the band loose fans. He didn't wanna half ta go back to Minnesota if he could help it. Which of course he could be doing right now if he was straight! _

_"Thanks Carlos that really helped. I'm just worried all the fans will stop listing to us because of me." James looked really miserable. _

_"So we might lose a few fans, but there are still a ton of fans that will support us." Kendall told the long hair boy. He hated to see someone look so miserable. _

_"Well yeah but, what if no one wants to our fans anymore? What if I ruined everything for us?" James was on the verge of tears. _

_"Well then we go back to Minnesota and help each other complete their dreams." Logan told James._

_"But that means we would split up, and I-I don't want to leave you guys." James was looking down at his lap._

_"Well James we will still see each other, call, and hang out." Carlos told the distraught teen. _

_"Yeah I know, but it won't be the same. I know I'm being a big baby, and I'm sorry." James looked even more upset with himself if that was even possible. _

_"James, its fine man just don't worry about it. Things will play out by themselves and we will just ride along with the waves." Kendall told James rubbing his back in a comforting motion. _

_"Yeah I guess you're right. Thanks you guys. You're the best friends and good looking sexy guy could have."_

_All of James' friends chuckled at his self-centeredness. So then day's turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and fans were dropping from big time rush like flies. James never understood why people said that, it's not like you see a bunch of dead flies everywhere. So why say? James also didn't understand why people didn't like gay people. I mean how are gay people any different? They like the same foods, same TV shows, same music, same HEART. The only thing that was different about them was who they decided to like. Gays couldn't help liking someone of the same gender, it just kinda happened. They never asked to be like that they just were. People shouldn't judge them for it. _

_Yet people did. People who were heart less freaks, and just couldn't handle someone who was a LITTLE different. James hated it, he hated everything about it. He hated the stares he got, he hated the words thrown at him, he hated the treatment he got just for one little difference. It started to get to his head. He started to think he was worthless. Worst of all he started to cut. Not little cuts either, deep, long gashes littered his arms. Words such as __**Worthless, unimportant, stupid, gay, **__and __**death. **__Carved into his arms and legs. Death. That word stood out him the most. Why? Because he had been thinking about it for quite a while. Not just people who die, but James dying, committing suicide. He couldn't handle living anymore it was getting way to hard. He just, he could take the pain, suffering, and orient of it all. Plus they were getting sent back to Minnesota anyways. Why not just kill himself now so he won't have to? _

_It was with this kind of thinking that forced him to do it. He quickly wrote a little poem that was going through his head for his friends to find, and then quickly grabbed the gun he had managed to get a hold of. If you asked him how he managed to get it, he would shrug and say "ehh I know people," and leave it at that. He put his shaking hand with the gun it to his head. He knew if he shot it from here it would kill him quickly. Just what he wanted. He quietly said one last thing before pulling the trigger. _

_"I'm going to miss you guys."_

_BANG_

_James' lifeless body fell to the floor his head lolling to one side and the gun falling out of his hand. Soon three pairs of feet could be heard running down the hall to James' room. They knew James was turning depressed and they knew he needed help, but they never thought he would do this so soon. Kendall quickly opened the door and was met with wine blood pooling around James' head and snow white skin. Soon Logan and Carlos were met with the same picture. Kendall thought that if you blocked out the blood and paleness James looked peaceful, finally peaceful. They all bent down to James and at the same time whispered._

_"We're goon miss you buddy."_

_**Authors note: *Hides behind other person/stranger. Umm please don't kill me. It had to be this way! If it wasn't you would have a story, but if you still wanna kill someone kill this person I'm hiding behind okay because I don't know him, and hopefully won't miss him. Well okay I might a little, but not very much. Okay I'm completely utterly sorry for the confusedness of everything. I feel eve very, very stupid and I really, really, really hate the logic my brain likes to trick me with. If that makes any since to any of you guys. But it's finished and I hope you guys liked it. Umm if you want to or would like to you could review. But you know it's just a suggestion and all. Okay BYE! :)**_


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